Eyes Wide Open: complex trauma

Caution: This is a tough look at adoption.  Stop reading now if you only want to see adoption as a perfect, easy, idealic thing...

As part of our adoption process we are required to read a group of books.  These books are chosen based on our specific situation.  (1. We are adopting internationally. 2. We have kids at home already. 3. We are adopting two kids. 4. The kids that we are adopting will already be between 2 and 6 years old.)

The most recent book that I am reading is Welcoming a New Brother or Sister through Adoption by Arleta James.  This book focuses on the idea that we already have children and how this adoption will affect our current kids. The first section is a little daunting.  The author lays out some of the very difficult things that adopted kids have had to endure and the term that is used is complex trauma.  Kids with complex trauma have had "multiple traumas that are simultaneous or occurring in a sequence, are chronic, and begin early in childhood." Some children who are adopted will have been raised by other kids, had physical abuse, sexual abuse, been neglected, and so much more.  These prior life experiences may have created children who are physically smaller, socially delayed, have a different view of what a family looks like, or be emotionally younger than his/her chronological age.

This topic is exhausting to think about but not overwhelming.  I am glad to have these resources because we are preparing ourselves as much as we can.  We are continuing to move forward with eyes wide open.  This book does a wonderful job of not only sharing the difficult situations that may arise but also shares language on how we as parents can talk with our kids currently at home about the potential behaviors that their new siblings may have.

The book is not meant to be all horror and atrocities.  It is awareness.  There are many wonderful things that we hope will happen as we bring these kids into our family.  But we also need to remember that as we blend our family, we will need to be aware of each child separately so that all will grow and have healthy relationships with each other.  (If you are a friend or family member, take a look at The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis.  This is a good first read and has some really good tips for a broader audience.)

JB and I are getting a lot of practice honing our parenting skills as we speak.  It's not always butterflies and sunshine right now with our two boys.   But I know I get plenty of good amongst the bad....