Eyes Wide Open: complex trauma

Caution: This is a tough look at adoption.  Stop reading now if you only want to see adoption as a perfect, easy, idealic thing...

As part of our adoption process we are required to read a group of books.  These books are chosen based on our specific situation.  (1. We are adopting internationally. 2. We have kids at home already. 3. We are adopting two kids. 4. The kids that we are adopting will already be between 2 and 6 years old.)

The most recent book that I am reading is Welcoming a New Brother or Sister through Adoption by Arleta James.  This book focuses on the idea that we already have children and how this adoption will affect our current kids. The first section is a little daunting.  The author lays out some of the very difficult things that adopted kids have had to endure and the term that is used is complex trauma.  Kids with complex trauma have had "multiple traumas that are simultaneous or occurring in a sequence, are chronic, and begin early in childhood." Some children who are adopted will have been raised by other kids, had physical abuse, sexual abuse, been neglected, and so much more.  These prior life experiences may have created children who are physically smaller, socially delayed, have a different view of what a family looks like, or be emotionally younger than his/her chronological age.

This topic is exhausting to think about but not overwhelming.  I am glad to have these resources because we are preparing ourselves as much as we can.  We are continuing to move forward with eyes wide open.  This book does a wonderful job of not only sharing the difficult situations that may arise but also shares language on how we as parents can talk with our kids currently at home about the potential behaviors that their new siblings may have.

The book is not meant to be all horror and atrocities.  It is awareness.  There are many wonderful things that we hope will happen as we bring these kids into our family.  But we also need to remember that as we blend our family, we will need to be aware of each child separately so that all will grow and have healthy relationships with each other.  (If you are a friend or family member, take a look at The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis.  This is a good first read and has some really good tips for a broader audience.)

JB and I are getting a lot of practice honing our parenting skills as we speak.  It's not always butterflies and sunshine right now with our two boys.   But I know I get plenty of good amongst the bad....

Do Something and an update

On a couple occasions during the adoption process we have had people ask why.  It is always hard to answer this question, especially since it often is posed in a disapproving way.  I came across this story earlier and I think it sums it up well.



Toward the end of last week we were contacted by our agency in California.  ICAB has asked them where our answers to More Information were as they had not yet received them.  This was a little troubling as they had been sent on December 3 and signed for on December 6th.  Our agency promptly informed them on this, sent digital copies of all the information and asked for acknowledgement of receipt.  It was also disappointing because we had hoped to have acceptance of the Dossier about this time.  Well, this week we heard back from ICAB and they acknowledged receiving the information.  At least we know it is there now and hopefully we'll hear back in a month or two.

Holiday Reflection

This holiday season was a wonderful one.  We were able to spend time with a lot of family and had a great time.  For the first time since my brother had been married, all of my family was able to be together on Christmas day.  This made for a great celebration.  All of the cousins, aunts and uncles got along swimmingly.

During this time I couldn't help but reflect upon what future holidays might look like and how our family might be different.  One of the places that this struck me was as we hung our stockings.  We are lucky to have two gorgeous sets of hand made stockings.

We have one set made by Jenn's dad and grandmother that are needlepoint.

The other set was made by my mom and my grandmother that they knit.

It occurred to me that neither of these are quick creations.  Normally you can give about 9 months' notice and if it isn't quite ready for the first Christmas, the newborn would never know.  We, on the other hand, will likely only have a few months' notice and on top of it we will need two instead of just one. Maybe we need to put in an order now.

The question of time once again came up.  As I thought about what our future family might look like, I wondered when it might come to reality.  Could it be for next Christmas, probably not.  Maybe two Christmases away, still not likely.  In three Christmases this could be.  How about four, most likely yes by this point.

We have not heard anything new from ICAB.  Most recently we have been told it would be 3 years from now, 2 if things go quickly.  That could be a long wait.  We know that this is in God's hands though and his timing will be perfect.