Approval

We have been waiting to hear this news.  We received an email from the Philippine government that we have been approved to adopt from the Philippines.

Approval.  What a stressful word.  Standing in judgment.  To be assessed as to our worth.

Some people that we tell about waiting on approval balk.  How is it that it can be so difficult to approve people who want to bring kids into their home and provide a family and love?  We are glad that there are precautions in place when it comes to the lives of kids.  It's hard when you are in the midst of the waiting.  We were told that it would take a month for approval.... 6 months later we have been approved.

What does this mean?
Our packet has now been put in the pile that can begin looking for kids that will match our request: 2 siblings ages 2-6.

What does our time look like?
Um.  If you are getting the idea, international adoption is not a cookie cutter easy formula. Could it be 6 months?  Sure.  Could it be 3 years? YUP and this is the more likely option.  And so we move into the next stage...

More waiting.

So for now we are SUPER excited.  And we will enjoy all of our everyday moments while we wait.

The other side of the story (JB's):

Well I had been planning to write an update anyway so this news came at a perfect time.  As I write that sentence, I am struck once again at how so many things in this process have come at just the right time.  The income from our garage sale was the perfect amount to cover the next bill.  A month or so later we received another gift just in time to pay another bill.  We have always believed that God is guiding this process but seeing these things makes that even more evident.  I think it also calms some of my fears.

You see, everybody else wants to bring the kids home as soon as possible.  Don't get me wrong I do to but the planner/financial organizer in me sees a few things that need to get done first.  A three year horizon would allow for many things to naturally fall into place.  It would also provide a reasonable amount of time to continue our fundraising efforts.

So yes we have been approved by ICAB and "placed on the list of acceptable adoptive parents."  Reading that brought tears to my eyes.  In fact when I called Jenn to let her know and she didn't answer, I had to make sure in the message to tell her everything was ok, you see I could barely talk because I was so excited. Well, it only partially worked and she was still scared that something bad had happened.  Then she read her email.  She quickly gave me a call and we shed another tear of joy together.  So begins the long wait.

This process has already taught us a lot of patience.  I am sure we are going to continue to need to be patient and trust God.  I am excited to see what lies ahead. 

Privilege, Racism and Separation

Photo from flickr  Some rights reserved by rumolay

One of the books that we were asked to read as we prepare for the adoption is Inside Transracial Adoption by Beth Hall and Gail Steinberg.  This book coupled with watching the movie 42 about Jackie Robinson's journey to enter Major League Baseball have really caused me to consider the privileges I was offered simply based on my skin color.

The book helps you as a white parent to consider providing role models of the same race as your adopted children.  It also in no uncertain terms makes you consider that your adopted children will encounter racism at some time.  There are strong recommendations for trying to prepare your children before it occurs and then helping them process what has occurred.  In the movie you are confronted with the harsh reality of racism, and the judgement by some, based solely on skin pigmentation.

Growing up in a suburban, mainly white neighborhood and attending schools that were not much more diverse, I never had the need to consider racism.  I personally do not harbor any ill will towards anybody based on their cultural background, but at the same time my circle of friends is not particularly diverse.  Now there is nothing wrong with that until you bring a child of another race into your family. At that point it becomes very important, to me at least, to provide that child with role models who are not just white.  My son/daughter will not be carrying around a sign that says "my parents are white so please treat me like I am white."  He/she will be judged fairly or not based partially on what they look like.

Now I know that not everybody will be so judgmental but some people will.  One of the things to consider that is mentioned in the book goes as follows and I am paraphrasing: many white parents say they do not feel comfortable going into a black community to make friends because they don't like being the only white person in the room.  That is how your child may feel being the only black person in the room with your white friends.  It is definitely something to think about.  Just out of curiosity I decided to look at the diversity of our local schools to see what it will be like.  I first looked at the elementary school, 58% white, 16% asian, 16% hispanic, 6% black and 4% multiracial.  I was a little disappointed to find the high school not as diverse, 68% white, 12% asian, 10% hispanic, 6% black and 5% multiracial.  I don't know what I was expecting but definitely more diversity.

I think Jenn and I are both going to be committed to keeping a cultural connection for our new family members but this piece had not occurred to me before.  Now our circle of friends have some very role model worthy Filipino's in it, our brother-in-law and his whole family, good friend at church and a coworker of mine.  I hope to grow those relationships and expand our circle of friends as well. Ultimately I want this to be a positive experience and I am realizing this journey is not simple.  We are going to need to provide more than just love, food and housing which I knew going into this but now I am becoming keenly aware of what that will really look like.

How Long is the Wait? Part 4

To get caught up on what this is about check out part 1, part 2, and part 3.

Well, we have now been working on the adoption for a year.  We had hoped to be further along at this point, specifically we had hoped to have dossier approval.  The goatee continues to grow, at this point it is about 7-8 cm long.  People have started to comment that it is getting really long.  I try to use that as an opportunity to talk about why I am growing it.  It is still the plan to continue to grow it until we have a placement.  It could get pretty long.  I will likely start braiding it periodically which is fun because I always get a few more looks when it is braided.

FW: Adoption Application Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds

FW: Adoption Application Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds

This was the subject line an email we received last Thursday.  It got me very excited.  We were just about a month from when ICAB acknowledged receiving the answers to the last set of questions they had asked.  A month was the time we hoped to hear back from ICAB with a response about our dossier being accepted or not.

Unfortunately this was not the case.  Instead ICAB was asking just a few more questions.  There was a requested deadline of tomorrow February 7.  Getting the answers was pretty quick this time and they have now been sent back to ICAB.  We don't know if there is any reason behind them giving us a deadline but we are hopeful we will hear something soon.

Eyes Wide Open: complex trauma

Caution: This is a tough look at adoption.  Stop reading now if you only want to see adoption as a perfect, easy, idealic thing...

As part of our adoption process we are required to read a group of books.  These books are chosen based on our specific situation.  (1. We are adopting internationally. 2. We have kids at home already. 3. We are adopting two kids. 4. The kids that we are adopting will already be between 2 and 6 years old.)

The most recent book that I am reading is Welcoming a New Brother or Sister through Adoption by Arleta James.  This book focuses on the idea that we already have children and how this adoption will affect our current kids. The first section is a little daunting.  The author lays out some of the very difficult things that adopted kids have had to endure and the term that is used is complex trauma.  Kids with complex trauma have had "multiple traumas that are simultaneous or occurring in a sequence, are chronic, and begin early in childhood." Some children who are adopted will have been raised by other kids, had physical abuse, sexual abuse, been neglected, and so much more.  These prior life experiences may have created children who are physically smaller, socially delayed, have a different view of what a family looks like, or be emotionally younger than his/her chronological age.

This topic is exhausting to think about but not overwhelming.  I am glad to have these resources because we are preparing ourselves as much as we can.  We are continuing to move forward with eyes wide open.  This book does a wonderful job of not only sharing the difficult situations that may arise but also shares language on how we as parents can talk with our kids currently at home about the potential behaviors that their new siblings may have.

The book is not meant to be all horror and atrocities.  It is awareness.  There are many wonderful things that we hope will happen as we bring these kids into our family.  But we also need to remember that as we blend our family, we will need to be aware of each child separately so that all will grow and have healthy relationships with each other.  (If you are a friend or family member, take a look at The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis.  This is a good first read and has some really good tips for a broader audience.)

JB and I are getting a lot of practice honing our parenting skills as we speak.  It's not always butterflies and sunshine right now with our two boys.   But I know I get plenty of good amongst the bad....

Do Something and an update

On a couple occasions during the adoption process we have had people ask why.  It is always hard to answer this question, especially since it often is posed in a disapproving way.  I came across this story earlier and I think it sums it up well.



Toward the end of last week we were contacted by our agency in California.  ICAB has asked them where our answers to More Information were as they had not yet received them.  This was a little troubling as they had been sent on December 3 and signed for on December 6th.  Our agency promptly informed them on this, sent digital copies of all the information and asked for acknowledgement of receipt.  It was also disappointing because we had hoped to have acceptance of the Dossier about this time.  Well, this week we heard back from ICAB and they acknowledged receiving the information.  At least we know it is there now and hopefully we'll hear back in a month or two.

Holiday Reflection

This holiday season was a wonderful one.  We were able to spend time with a lot of family and had a great time.  For the first time since my brother had been married, all of my family was able to be together on Christmas day.  This made for a great celebration.  All of the cousins, aunts and uncles got along swimmingly.

During this time I couldn't help but reflect upon what future holidays might look like and how our family might be different.  One of the places that this struck me was as we hung our stockings.  We are lucky to have two gorgeous sets of hand made stockings.

We have one set made by Jenn's dad and grandmother that are needlepoint.

The other set was made by my mom and my grandmother that they knit.

It occurred to me that neither of these are quick creations.  Normally you can give about 9 months' notice and if it isn't quite ready for the first Christmas, the newborn would never know.  We, on the other hand, will likely only have a few months' notice and on top of it we will need two instead of just one. Maybe we need to put in an order now.

The question of time once again came up.  As I thought about what our future family might look like, I wondered when it might come to reality.  Could it be for next Christmas, probably not.  Maybe two Christmases away, still not likely.  In three Christmases this could be.  How about four, most likely yes by this point.

We have not heard anything new from ICAB.  Most recently we have been told it would be 3 years from now, 2 if things go quickly.  That could be a long wait.  We know that this is in God's hands though and his timing will be perfect.